Day 2: Reminiscing - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

There's always something that triggers these thoughts right? It doesn't matter what it is, but there will always be something or someone to remind you of what once was. Watching movies, hearing songs, passing by locations, it always brings up a lot of torn emotions. I can honestly say I'm not sure which is worse, remembering the good memories or the bad ones. At the end of the day I hate them all. Remembering the good times just makes me remember that it was all an act, to get me all wrapped up in his deception. It's as if he was a snake wrapping himself all around me. At first it's just a light squeeze, just enough to let you know he's there, but it's so light of a squeeze it's comforting, almost loving. Then gradually his grip gets tighter and tighter on you until you can no longer breathe. I don't know, there I go again rambling, lost in my own thoughts. As I was saying, memories, they're a bitch when they have to do with your abuser. I know when all the good was happening I was happy and enjoying life, but now those memories just piss me off. Knowing that I fell for such a disgusting lie. Being a survivor of domestic violence makes you feel so lost, at least for me that is. It's like one second a memory makes you happy, the next it pisses you off. One second you love him, the next you hate him. You believe the lie, then you don't believe the lie. It was all my fault, no it was all his fault. It makes a sane person go crazy...literally, they're good at doing that to you. Now, for the bad memories. They always say you forget the pain of the touch, but never the pain of the words. I remember it all. All I have to do is remember one of the beatings, and it's almost as if I can feel the pain all over again. The dates may all be a blur, but I can remember every single thing he ever did to me. Something I'll never forget, no matter how hard I try, and believe me, I try everyday to forget. I understand many people out there want to blame me and say well you should have left or turned him in. Honestly, I think the only ones that understand this, are the one's going through it. The thing is, I used to be the same way. Before I was with my abuser I always said, I will NEVER be with a man that abuses me. One time and it's game over for him. If only it was that simple. The thing is, they build up this fairytale for the woman and make her fall madly in love with him. He slowly eases into it with little things here and there that you would never even think twice about until it's too late. Now I look back, and I just can't believe how oblivious I was to all the red flags, but I guess love will do that to a person. Can't forget about the threats that terrify you. They threaten everything and everyone in your life, and you believe them. Why you may ask. Because if they're willing to abuse you in every way imaginable, the person they supposedly love, then what's to stop them from carrying out those threats to the people you love, but they don't. I will always be haunted by him. Awake, asleep, it doesn't matter, he's always there in the back of my mind. Pass by locations where there's memories, and it just makes me sick to my stomach. If it was once a happy place it just makes me depressed. Pass a bad place and I instantly go right back to that moment of the attack. In the end, no matter how I feel, I could never go back. It would be tragically life ending for me and my two baby boys. The two angels that my abuser and I created together. Many people wish they could go back in time and not get with their abuser. Me, I'd do it again and again, but only because my sons came out of it all. If I could have had my EXACT sons that I have right now, without being with him, then hell yeah I'd go back and never get with him. Sadly, life doesn't work that way. So even though I had to endure years of verbal, mental, physical, and sexual abuse...I'd go through it all for my angels.