Day 1: True Tori Triggered This (repost)

As I sit here watching episodes of True Tori, it has triggered a lot of emotions and memories from a life I once lived. Seeing pictures and videos of their wedding, and all I can think is how glad I am that I never married my abuser. Every time I think about weddings and marriage, all I can think about is how very close we were to getting married. I will never forget being right outside the chapel with him, happy as can be. Thankfully, his mother was there to stop us from making such a stupid decision. Of course at that time, we were in the midst of a lie. My ex made me fall for something, for someone, that wasn’t even real. I’m not one to believe that everything happens for a reason, but for that moment, I really do believe that there was a reason we were there with his mom. So she could stop a huge mistake from happening. Sitting here feeling all this emotion that I feel day in and day out I just want to scream out. So many questions that run through my mind every single day. Why did he choose me? Why did he make me fall for a lie? Why am I in love with a man that doesn’t even exist? I feel like this will forever torment me. I would much rather have a broken heart from a mutual loving relationship ending. Instead of having a broken heart because you fell in love with a lie. After everything he put me through, I know deep down that I don’t love him as the abuser, I love him as the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and in those random moments throughout the relationship where he pretended to be that man. How do you get over a man that doesn’t even truly exist? So many questions, so much heartache, so much fear, so many emotions. Constant thoughts that run through my mind every day, and here I am trying to write them out. In my head it’s all jumbled and crazy, and now writing it out the truth comes to light. What the hell was I thinking? All I know is I can only thank him for my two amazing sons. They are the only good that came from our so-called relationship. They’re the better parts of both of us combined. A lot of people say that they look like me, but occasionally look like their father. To me, all I see is their father, just…the angelic side of their father that doesn’t exist in him. I feel as if there’s a vice tightening around my heart, I just feel sick, broken, and lost. I guess I’ll stop rambling for now. The boys are finally asleep, which means I really should attempt to get at least two seconds of shut eye before they both wake up again. Goodnight lonely world.