Day 4: Absence Makes the Heart Grow...Angrier

I'm so mad at you. Why do you have to be this way? Why did you have to do all those horrible things to us? Why can't you just be normal? I'm sitting here looking at our two wonderful sons, and thinking how much you're missing out on because you can't be normal. You have missed so much. Our oldest is 1 now, and I heard you didn't even bother to mention his birthday to your mother, or anyone for that matter. You missed the birth of our youngest, thank you so much, I'm so glad I had to deliver our child ALL BY MYSELF! That was fun explaining to the hospital staff. Oh, but that's right, you don't even claim them as your own. You've already said you'd only take them just to hurt me. You make me sick. How could you not claim them? They look just like you idiot. That's okay, we're better and safer without you in our lives. We wouldn't be alive if you were around. So, of course it's for the best that you're not in our lives any longer. I'm just so upset that this is the life we have to live because you think it's okay to harm others. It's disgusting what you're okay with doing and saying. Especially to people you supposedly "love"...well "loved." I just wish the boys didn't have to grow up without a father, but it's better than the alternative. Why can't things just rewind, go back to the beginning, and the person you pretended to be was really who you are? Oh, that's right, life just doesn't work that way. I wish I could just get everything off my chest and tell you how I feel. Everything you put us through. I just want to yell and scream at you. I hate that you're the only one that ever got to express things. If you ever find your way to this...I hate you. Why'd you make me fall for a man that doesn't exist? I'm sick of being in love with a lie. No, I don't love you don't you understand. I told you that all the time. I don't love you, I love the guy you pretended to be in the beginning. There's so much I want to say to you, yet I can't even form it into words to throw your way. Why? Why'd you have to hurt me every single day? Why couldn't you be the man you pretended to be? Why did you pick me as your target? Why did you stick around for 4 years with me, yet only stayed for two seconds with all of your exes? I'm so glad your mom stopped us from getting married that day. Goodbye to you.

Day 3: Forever Ruining Our Lives

It was already bad enough when my abuser was around ruining everything. He took away my dignity. He sabotaged relationships with all of my family and friends. He took every cent of money I ever made. Or he'd make me panhandle for money and cigarettes. Which of course, if I didn't make the amount he set he'd beat me and make me do things I didn't want to do. He constantly damaged all of my property. Now, even after he's gone he's still screwing things up. I'm doing this all on my own taking care of two baby boys and I'm on welfare because I can't get a job. I had a job last summer that only lasted 3 months. I was lucky they didn't fire me when he was chasing me around my work all over and even to the back of the warehouse. Instead, because he got me pregnant with my youngest son 3 weeks after having my oldest I was fired for being pregnant. Of course, they didn't say that was the reason, but that was for lawsuit purposes. Because I was pregnant so fast after having a baby it was a very rough pregnancy. I was constantly running to the bathroom throwing up blood, and worried about miscarrying due to continuous spotting. My last straw was him putting my oldest son in danger. He had left him all by himself for god knows how long. That night he damaged the van he made me lease. Which has since been repossessed since clearly I couldn't pay for it. So now that bill went to collections, only after the company lied and said I caused damage to it that I didn't. My mother's final straw before she called was witnessing sitting on me while pregnant, as far as she knew that was the worst of it, but it wasn't. The cops came to pick him up, but as usual he ran. I told them he'd just come back after they left, he always did. Sure enough, they left, and he came back. I had locked and blocked all the doors and windows in the house. He tried so hard to get in the house that night, it was terrifying. He ripped the screen door open even though it was locked, and almost burst right through our front door. Since that didn't work, he decided to steal the car that I was given to drive. The same car that was supposed to be my college graduation present, but because of him it was decided that it was no longer mine to have. Didn't matter anyways, because that night, he crashed it in a police chase. Now, he's incarcerated, for not as long as he should have been mind you. Raising two babies all on my own. Two babies that he doesn't even claim as his own any longer. He knows exactly where I live, and all the places I can go. Housing waiting lists have a 3-4 year wait. Isn't exactly feasible when this house is in foreclosure, and he will be out in 6 months. I have an amazing 3-year-old boxer named Mayhem, that I've had since he was just a few weeks old. Now, because of this housing situation, I have to give my beloved dog to a rescue shelter. He was my first baby boy before I had my sons. He is without a doubt THE best dog ever, and now because this jerk ruined our lives, I have to get rid of him. I'd keep him if I could, but the housing authority says no big dogs allowed no matter what. I've been trying to get custody of my children, but of course without money it makes it very difficult. All I can do is contact pro bono lawyers, which I have, but still haven't heard back from them. I was given the chance to get custody through establishing paternity with child support, but of course I couldn't take that route no matter how bad I wanted to. Why you may ask? Because if I went for custody this way, they'd instantly grant visitation to him. Which absolutely cannot happen. There were already incidents with my son that I wouldn't stand for or allow, at a time when he did claim him as his son. Not to mention all the times he tried to make me miscarry during both pregnancies. So what on earth would stop him from harming my children during a visit when he doesn't claim them any longer? NOTHING. So with all this, it pretty much sums up to, with or without him, life is hell. There's always one obstacle right on top of the other. I always told him I'd much rather be without him and miserable, than with him and miserable...but I certainly didn't mean being miserable from things he caused. Forever haunted by him.

Day 2: Olfactory Hallucinations - Forever Smelling Him

Once upon a time when I was in the "honeymoon phase" of my relationship with my abuser I'd occasionally catch his scent in the air even though he was incarcerated. I never fully understood it, but I just summed it up to me really missing him. It wasn't a scent that lingered, it was always very brief. The scent would be gone just as fast as I caught it, faster than a snap of the fingers. Now, even after everything that has gone on, I still catch the scent of him. Which is now more confusing than ever, because I most certainly do not miss him. I don't know what it is, but I'll just be going about my day, and there's his damn scent again. Every time it stops me in my tracks. I've tried researching it, but haven't really found any answers. One answer of course refers to brain damage, which wouldn't be far fetched from all the times I received blows to the head. Although it doesn't really explain why it happened before he was abusing me. Before you think it or ask it, no, none of his cologne or belongings are here any longer. I got rid of all of that a long time ago. Am I alone in experiencing this strange phenomena?

Day 2: Reminiscing - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

There's always something that triggers these thoughts right? It doesn't matter what it is, but there will always be something or someone to remind you of what once was. Watching movies, hearing songs, passing by locations, it always brings up a lot of torn emotions. I can honestly say I'm not sure which is worse, remembering the good memories or the bad ones. At the end of the day I hate them all. Remembering the good times just makes me remember that it was all an act, to get me all wrapped up in his deception. It's as if he was a snake wrapping himself all around me. At first it's just a light squeeze, just enough to let you know he's there, but it's so light of a squeeze it's comforting, almost loving. Then gradually his grip gets tighter and tighter on you until you can no longer breathe. I don't know, there I go again rambling, lost in my own thoughts. As I was saying, memories, they're a bitch when they have to do with your abuser. I know when all the good was happening I was happy and enjoying life, but now those memories just piss me off. Knowing that I fell for such a disgusting lie. Being a survivor of domestic violence makes you feel so lost, at least for me that is. It's like one second a memory makes you happy, the next it pisses you off. One second you love him, the next you hate him. You believe the lie, then you don't believe the lie. It was all my fault, no it was all his fault. It makes a sane person go crazy...literally, they're good at doing that to you. Now, for the bad memories. They always say you forget the pain of the touch, but never the pain of the words. I remember it all. All I have to do is remember one of the beatings, and it's almost as if I can feel the pain all over again. The dates may all be a blur, but I can remember every single thing he ever did to me. Something I'll never forget, no matter how hard I try, and believe me, I try everyday to forget. I understand many people out there want to blame me and say well you should have left or turned him in. Honestly, I think the only ones that understand this, are the one's going through it. The thing is, I used to be the same way. Before I was with my abuser I always said, I will NEVER be with a man that abuses me. One time and it's game over for him. If only it was that simple. The thing is, they build up this fairytale for the woman and make her fall madly in love with him. He slowly eases into it with little things here and there that you would never even think twice about until it's too late. Now I look back, and I just can't believe how oblivious I was to all the red flags, but I guess love will do that to a person. Can't forget about the threats that terrify you. They threaten everything and everyone in your life, and you believe them. Why you may ask. Because if they're willing to abuse you in every way imaginable, the person they supposedly love, then what's to stop them from carrying out those threats to the people you love, but they don't. I will always be haunted by him. Awake, asleep, it doesn't matter, he's always there in the back of my mind. Pass by locations where there's memories, and it just makes me sick to my stomach. If it was once a happy place it just makes me depressed. Pass a bad place and I instantly go right back to that moment of the attack. In the end, no matter how I feel, I could never go back. It would be tragically life ending for me and my two baby boys. The two angels that my abuser and I created together. Many people wish they could go back in time and not get with their abuser. Me, I'd do it again and again, but only because my sons came out of it all. If I could have had my EXACT sons that I have right now, without being with him, then hell yeah I'd go back and never get with him. Sadly, life doesn't work that way. So even though I had to endure years of verbal, mental, physical, and sexual abuse...I'd go through it all for my angels.

Day 1: True Tori Triggered This (repost)

As I sit here watching episodes of True Tori, it has triggered a lot of emotions and memories from a life I once lived. Seeing pictures and videos of their wedding, and all I can think is how glad I am that I never married my abuser. Every time I think about weddings and marriage, all I can think about is how very close we were to getting married. I will never forget being right outside the chapel with him, happy as can be. Thankfully, his mother was there to stop us from making such a stupid decision. Of course at that time, we were in the midst of a lie. My ex made me fall for something, for someone, that wasn’t even real. I’m not one to believe that everything happens for a reason, but for that moment, I really do believe that there was a reason we were there with his mom. So she could stop a huge mistake from happening. Sitting here feeling all this emotion that I feel day in and day out I just want to scream out. So many questions that run through my mind every single day. Why did he choose me? Why did he make me fall for a lie? Why am I in love with a man that doesn’t even exist? I feel like this will forever torment me. I would much rather have a broken heart from a mutual loving relationship ending. Instead of having a broken heart because you fell in love with a lie. After everything he put me through, I know deep down that I don’t love him as the abuser, I love him as the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and in those random moments throughout the relationship where he pretended to be that man. How do you get over a man that doesn’t even truly exist? So many questions, so much heartache, so much fear, so many emotions. Constant thoughts that run through my mind every day, and here I am trying to write them out. In my head it’s all jumbled and crazy, and now writing it out the truth comes to light. What the hell was I thinking? All I know is I can only thank him for my two amazing sons. They are the only good that came from our so-called relationship. They’re the better parts of both of us combined. A lot of people say that they look like me, but occasionally look like their father. To me, all I see is their father, just…the angelic side of their father that doesn’t exist in him. I feel as if there’s a vice tightening around my heart, I just feel sick, broken, and lost. I guess I’ll stop rambling for now. The boys are finally asleep, which means I really should attempt to get at least two seconds of shut eye before they both wake up again. Goodnight lonely world.